TRIGGER ME, PLEASE!

Trigger me please!

It's been almost two months since we lost you, forever more stretches to go.

I miss you on a daily,

My heart aches when I think of you, When people told me "sorry for your loss" it stung worse 

because all I heard was "sorry for YOUR LOSS"

as if it were mine alone to bear.

I expected people to be grieving like me, I expected them to feel the pain just like I did.

I miss you on a daily,

I check my pictures and I have that necklace you gave me on almost every post,

I carry fragments of you in my being,

I walk through engineering block knowing you too walked these pavements.

I think of going to CJs koinange street and all I can see are the seats we sat on the last time we were there,

The laughter we shared,

You against the light so I didn't get a good picture of you,

The pauses,

The last time.

I miss your hugs,

The warm embrace,

The kind that wrapped around me like a brother's arms around his baby sister,

The kind that assured me you will always be here and I'll be safe

You felt immortal.

I miss you everyday,

Because I have updates that you would be the first one to hear,

I carry news hoping all this is a dream and I'll get to share with you soon,

I run to your inbox only to get the last message still unreplied to and denying the fact that it never will be

I am mourning the life we had,

The plans we made,

The hype you'd give me,

The promise that we'll be graduating and dancing at our compound in Kabartonjo,

The dreams we shared,

The generation and the home we wanted to change.

I miss you on a daily,

I look up knowing you are God's most loveliest angel,

His most treasured possession,

I want to see you in everything that there is,

I want the clouds to curve up your smile, The rain maybe are your tears that you miss me too,

The wind to tap my back and feel closer than where your hands have been,

The wind to whisper affirmations that I should be brave because you are watching.

I miss you on a daily, I don't think August (our birthday month) will be the same again,

I am still stuck on there, the month you left,

That call that I was unprepared for informing me that you were no more,

Sleeping on the information hoping it's a lie only to wake up to 'RIP' messages under your insta posts,

I think of the things I may have done to keep you here,

If only time can be reversed maybe there could be a way to keep you here longer

I miss you on a daily,

Oh dearest gentle Harry,

how I have loved you,

I re-read our chats since we knew each other,

How we slowly solidified our friendship,

How your kindness is something I always wanted people to experience,

How sharing things with you felt right,

I miss calling you sweet names,

my dia, my love, sweetheart, mpensssi,

Because with you it felt so easy and right,

I grieve you because all this grief is love looking for a home

I miss you on a daily,

I miss virtual travelling with you and how you were always so excited to show me around Barcelona because thats my dream destination .

You showed me love in its truest form,

That friendship needs not to be complicated,

Not defined by distance but presence,

You felt close even when miles away,

You gave me unsolicited advices and I appreciate you for it.

I miss you on a daily,

Knowing the man you were slowly becoming,

Being a go-getter and moulding a life for yourself,

Unstoppable in your path to unlocking a dream,

Unclipping every wing that didn't want to fly

And you inspired me to be as daring

You inspired loads of us,

So yes, I miss you on a daily

Now I think of you in the most random moments,

I cry knowing you are no longer with me in this universe

But in a parallel universe far from this one I know we'll reunite and that's the hope I live for

Until then,

I'll wear your necklace,

I will cry when I miss you,

I will cherish our hometown,

I will make people who never knew you jealous,

I will keep telling your stories,

And I will romanticise the life you lived.

Today I grieved you a little bit harder.

I texted your number it was only one tick

It was one of my guy friend’s birthdays,

and I was sending a voice note:

“My love, happy birthday.....”

I stopped midway, deleted the voice note,

realising how easy it once was to call you my love.

I pray that one day my heart will be lighter,but again,

I want it to ache remembering you.

In English we say,

“Dance with the angels till we meet again,”

but in poetry we say

Stay in my ache,

leave pangs in my bones,

live in my pauses,

be the silence between my breaths

And the stammer between my speech,

Let the wind carry your name softly through my days.

Let me love and my words immortalize you.

Let my tears water the love you left behind.

And when I finally see you again, my dearest gentle Eng. Harry,

I’ll say Trigger me, please.

Because it’s you

So trigger me, please!

I don't mind at all!

......

Hello lovely readers,

To be updated because I am publishing this on my phone and I'm not sure how it'll turn out on your end.

This read is to honour Harrison Kibor Ronoh,

Ronoh with the 'h'

You can like, share and comment so that he's not forgotten.

Life update:

1. Grieving

2. I graduated

3. Lost

4. Reading more