Am understanding the ups and downs
No more nightmares
To the people who wrote and I never read am sorry
To the people who called and I never returned their calls am sorry
Opening up to you is my peace right now
“Hey, Bett have you ever heard of bipolar? WhatsAppsapp message popped on my phone.,
Yes I have. I know of it. I replied.
That is what I had to say. I didn’t know much about bipolar, but since my favorite gospel-spoken word artist came out saying he was bipolar then I had a clue about it.
“well ,I have a story for you. I had bipolar”
What do you mean you had bipolar? I asked. You are the most relaxed person I have ever seen. Not moody or violent at all.
You see I was with her in my first year. We shared a course. I mean I would say I knew her well. She would greet me every day and smile. One of the very few people who would carry enthusiasm in an engineering class that seemed like torture. I was eager for this particular story from her.
“I’ll find time and interview you” that is all I had to say at that moment.
That night I slept pondering over it. I was shocked. I also thought of how I wanted to write people’s stories and how only God knows the pain I feel when the stories are heart-wrenching. I guess it’s the emotional spheres of life that compelled me to feel that way.
I got to interview her two days later and this is what she had to say.
“I can’t remember everything exactly but I started losing appetite and becoming weak. I went to the University of Nairobi student dispensary twice. They tested my blood. Then kept asking for stool. I couldn’t give it to them because I had no stool! I hadn’t eaten because of a lack of appetite. I ended up being diagnosed with nothing. NADA. Then on one night, I couldn’t sleep at all.”
Did anything hurt ama? Were you worried?
“I don’t know. I was just anxious. I didn’t have the energy to pray so I went to a friend in the hostels who helped me pray. I went to shower at 3 am so I could get some sleep maybe. It didn’t help. I called my mum and sister telling them I couldn’t sleep. My mum told me to go to the hospital the next day but I didn’t. I lied to mum that I went. I was tired going up and down.”
There’s something about not having the energy to pray when sick. It happened to me recently. I opened my prayer book and the first page read ‘God cares. He will give victory Zeph 3:17’that gave me hope and I slept knowing the HolySpirit intercedes for believers.” I stated.
“yes yes, that’s true. I became worse. I called my sister again and I remember not knowing how to express what I was feeling. A very terrible situation. She wanted to come for me. I refused. I asked her to send fare instead. It was around 1 pm. My roommate helped me order an uber because I couldn’t even walk up to the stage. My head was spinning and my eyesight was blurry. I then boarded a matatu to home. I got there at 6 pm and I was taken straight to the hospital. Tests were done and I had typhoid. I was given medications and went back home.
That night I couldn’t sleep at all. At midnight my body was cold I thought I was dead. Dead bodies are cold right?”
“weeeuh I don’t know I’ll google that later” I said. As I wrote this story I did research. Yes, dead bodies are cold.
“I was immediately taken to the hospital. I touched my chest all along to ascertain I had a heartbeat lol I was convinced I would die. Then I got admitted there. That was my very first time getting admitted to a hospital. I called out momma and she kept responding until she couldn’t. I was insecure. I don’t know what was happening. You see when someone has bipolar you feel alone, you feel depressed, you feel useless, it rips you off your being, you are not in a manic state, you are not just okay, you prefer death. The next morning people in the ward wanted to see the girl who kept shouting the whole night. I can’t remember details but my mental state was in jeopardy. Friends and family came to see me. Pastors came to pray. Some said I have an evil spirit. I felt bad. Pity party sort of.”
“waaah am so sorry. Did people bring you cards? Were you receiving calls?
My phone was always off. Later on I, got better a little bit then I was allowed to use my phone. Do you know of naniiii our classmate……she called me to encourage me. She gave me a certain verse in Proverbs and I would always read it when in the hospital”
Ofcourse I knew who she was talking about. I felt bad that I hadn’t called during that period. Wasn’t I such a bad friend? Reminded me of a time I was playing ego games with a friend of mine and I was too proud to text her only to find out she had selective amnesia. Text or call your friends once in a while guys.
“so tell me, was it still typhoid? What did the doctors say?”
“Bett don’t worry. You also played a crucial role. Remember that time you called the head of the department to inform them I was admitted? That was very key. So yes it wasn’t just typhoid. A head CT (computerized tomography) was done and I had a cyst in my brain. It had grown and was affecting my memory. Let me show you the result of the CT scan.”
As if reading my mind, she had saved me from a guilt trip. she then showed me the results and it read ;
Á small cystic lesion is noted adjacent to the temporal horn of the left lateral ventricle measuring 1.3*1.0*1.0 cm likely an arachnoidnoid cyst.’
I bet that was heavy for her. Those kind of cysts are noncancerous but may cause neurological damage in the long run.
“Things started getting worse. I was losing it. They saw my case was psychiatric. I was getting violent with people then I talked a lot. Up to now I still have sessions with the psychiatrists. Nurses started getting afraid of me. I had nightmares and hallucinations a lot. The discharge summary in SILOAM hospital literally read ’18 yr old patient presented with headache, fever, CONFUSION, hallucinations, blurred eyesight, dizziness, violence, walking about, decreased need for sleep’. I was then transferred to Tophill Brain and Spine hospital in Eldoret.”
“whoaaa bet the bill was high. And was it that bad? Are you okay now? can you recall any dream or what did you hallucinate”
The bill was around 100Gs but my card covered that. The cash we spent is seeing the psychiatrists because it’s 3 thousand per session. Yes, it was bad badd I tell you. I can’t recall any thank God I can’t because who would want to remember sleepless nights and what it entailed? So the new hospital was okay. The services were top-notch. I was in a private ward. The nutritionists planned our meals, the nurses were friendly and even the gateman had time to come greet the patients. With time they believed I was getting better so I was discharged. I got home and within a period of three days I was down again. I was taken back to TOPHILL.”
“My life seemed to stop. I wanted to get away but they wanted to inject me the sleeping drugs. They did actually but guess what it didn’t work on me. In my manic state I didn’t express myself as much like other patients usually do. I wasn’t the type to make people laugh or crack jokes or dance like a clown. No. I would walk from ward to ward staring at walls. I would say hi to other patients. At one time I slapped a patient in the wards. At other times I would sing or smile. My mum was my comfort.in the manic times I was happy. I at least didn’t have hallucinations but the happiness didn’t last. After that I would cease to be happy and fight my mum, aunties, nurses, till I slept.”
“that was tuff. So how are you coping.”
“am okay now I would say. I guess diseases come when your sins have accumulated lol. That time I was not as close to God. I blamed myself. I got a lot of drugs and injections and my body numbed to it. My mum and sister would be there reading the bible and praying for me.”
“When you were sick did people cut you off or get closer? What happened to the cysts?”
“People were so supportive. When I got discharged a bus full of my primary classmates came to my home. I was so happy. Big up to chogoria girls former classmates who showed up together with the teachers. I felt so loved. I was to have surgery sorry I didn’t mention that earlier. I was ready, I hadn’t eaten in preparation for it. I had a bad feeling. Then it got cancelled I don’t know why. I think it was for the better. Part of my healing I’ve been into Christian literature and it has helped. Especially books written by Ellen G White, totally recommend.”
“Anyway I know the storm will pass and I am okay. I was close to loosing it but now am back to school but a year behind you. Am sad am no longer with my previous colleagues though am relieved sharing with you Bett. A whole burden lifted. God bless your blog.”
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