HER DIVINITY

~ There are people you can't have but hope keeps you there. ~Bett

I knew him from class

First day of school and he was already this bubbly soul

One who would run around and help me print my necessary hostel entry documents. I liked him. As a friend.

We constantly yapped, cried in his arms about a first-year ex and hit rock bottom together. In our emptiness, we crafted a perfect handshake. A friend coded handshake.

Years down the line and I don't know why he's so enthusiastic about life.

His enthusiasm drew him to girls but this particular one had his soul. His heart wrapped around a finger. His entire lifeline cut to the chase of wanting to be with Chelah. His perfect muse.

I wanted him to tell me this story. His and Chelah's ......

In a perfect world, they'd be together, have babies, marry her and show her off.

Recently, in his final year project dedication sector, he wrote "This project is dedicated to my long-term crush Chelah.For denying my love and for keeping me motivated to live as I pursue her till I become a Geospatial engineer."

My boy was obviously cooked. He's been cooked since he knew Chelah wasn't for him.

He narrates how he met her.

It was a sunny but somewhat cold evening, the Nairobi weather. I was with my boys in a car that was already full then we spotted her. One of my friends who was in the car was friends with her and we called her to join us. It was a perfect weather for a booze and Chelah definitely didn't mind joining us in an already full car. She had nowhere to sit, so she sat on my lap as we had quick shots and headed to Black curves in Ngara. The boys alighted and left Chelah and I in the car. It got a bit steamy. Mind you, this was the very first time we met. We started in a high note. Our bodies dying to have each other. Each temple cradling onto the other.

Then this girl started crying. Like wtf. Why are you even crying? At that moment, I didn't even panic. I wanted to take care of her. Cover her with my arms. Do anything to ease whatever emotion she was feeling. This was so unlike me. This was so strange. The boys later came back and found her crying and grilled me, asking what I had done. Heavens knew I had done nothing wrong and this was the beginning of my entrapped life. One where I'd dream of her, build castles in the air for her and I, drill the last nail to my coffin and bury my dignity altogether.

When I met her in second year, I was in a relationship with another. Crazy, right? But what's a man's eyes! Meeting her didn't influence the end of the relationship that I was in. It just kinda happened and I felt like the universe was working for my good. I thought I'd bag her. Easy-peasy. There was no more distraction.

Afterwards, we'd hang out more. Chelah and I. I miss the times I lived in Mamlaka. We'd casually meet after school, go for lunch and pass by Naivas for a kaquarter. We'd then head to my room and enjoy our drink there. The beauty of it is that we'd meet up often. It was scary that my heart was tethered to hers all this time, walking around with an uncertainty that she liked me too. I wanted to be loved, somehow or even at least. I never asked if she did but I expressed myself in all the ways that screamed I wanted her. I promised to marry her even.

It then started occurring to me that I may not ever bag her. Not in my current state. Not in my current situation. There are things that made me sabotage myself. I thought of her highly. I mean...she went to Nairobi primary, then Moi girls Nairobi and now UON. She knew too much. She carried around traits that I couldn't probably match up to. Traits that were foreign to a boy from Eldoret. She was so self-expressive, so courageous, so soft-spoken, so fluent, so golden just like sunlight filtered through forest trees. You may see these as excuses but they aren't.

Then she'd call and say she needed sh600 for lunch and I didn't have it. Her definition of being seen is if she got gifts, lashes, flowers, dates to posh restaurants and drives to places. Lord, I don't even own a car.

Something happened in between and I started running away from her. Away from my reality, if not hers. I was drowning in an endless pit, all for Chelah. One of my Twitter tweets was " I need money for Chelah." It was something so heavy on me that my life somewhat paused for her. Then I met her in klabuu. She was with her classmates from main campus and one of her guy-friends made a joke, or a pick-up line that was so cheesy. She was happy. That stupid line made her happy. It pained me because, never in my life would I use a pick-up line. No one in engineering school uses that bullshit.

I later removed her from my snap streak list. She still sends me snaps but I don't open them. I follow her on Instagram but I never open her stories. I'd see them on top of my screen but I'll skip them because I am weak for her. I can't watch her doing restaurant hopping and being to expensive places. I simply can't afford her.

I ask him why she liked her in the first place.

Chelah is cute. She has eczema so her skin becomes red when exposed to sunlight. It makes her even prettier. She is a beautiful Kalenjin princess. I may not have her in this lifetime but may the wind not carry away my story. She dresses modestly because of the condition. Covering almost every part of her skin but she is my fashion icon. Her dressing is top-notch.

I'm afraid my feelings for her are too strong. Sometimes I just walk around main campus with a hope that I'll see her. She sets my soul on fire.

I ask if he loves her.

I am not sure what love is.

I don't know if I love her or I love the idea of being with her.

If I can afford her someday, I'll bask in her embrace and get to see her beautiful smile. Hopefully forever.

Hello lovely readers!

I hope you have been well.

I am sorry for not writing for a long while.

I hope you enjoyed this.

Please note that the name used is a substitute but every part of this story is narrated.

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