The last time
We all have our last and first times right? The first time where you felt the pleasure or pain or maybe the last time where you had a heaven of relief,guilt or mixture of anxiety and nervousness.
So let me tell you guys, the last time I wrote I preached about happiness and the time before that about kindness. Preach water drink wine they say!
The last time I became mean to a guy I was happy. I told him about his bedraggled beard. Of how beard like his show not a sign of growth but a sign of the numerous mistakes displayed on his face. He deserved to be put in his place. Or maybe not. Maybe I was seeking a breakthrough for all the pent-up energy in me. I think I broke him. I hope I did.The next time he came to class with his beard shaved.
The last time I wrote about my mother, I stopped on the second sentence. I thought of a woman who caressed the world with her presence, love and patience. I thought if I could write about my mother, the notebook will have a piece of her, something I wasn't willing to share. I thought of her kindness and how writing an open letter would mean that someday someone would carelessly open my journal and have a peep of how an amazing woman I have in my life. You don't display gold to the market broker, right?
The last time I read my Bible (which I read today), I saw a verse that said 'we who teach would be judged more strictly.'
I thought of my Sunday school kids. Of how kids like them looked up at teacher Caro and say they want to be like me. How maybe it is assured I'll go to heaven. Of how unbeknownst to them I sometimes weaver in my faith. Of how also teacher Caro is unsure of some things. Of how baby Tots asked me last time, "if God has created us to be like him, why is me and my mum brown and you are black." Let me tell you guys, heeeh I didn't know how properly break down to her and answer her. The verse maybe drawn out of context, made me think 'ama sasa niache kufunza watoto.' I don't want to be judged strictly than y'all!!
The last time love knocked on my door I wasn't home. I had gone out for a stroll to get vitamin D. Who needs two D's anyway? The chambers of my heart were open to a redeemable source but not love. I had vowed to shower myself with just self-love.
The last time I had a good sleep was in a long time. The other day I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote;
"My boundary tramples
In the brisk of day
At night I stay awake
With demons or angels
They watch me confused
I pray a forsaken prayer
With words from a trembling heart
A stiffened tongue, a muffled cry
When morning comes, I'll spread my happy energy."
My nights are sometimes troubled heeeh.
The last time I went to church, I really didn't want to. My soul was at peace with listening to mix Kali ya gospel. But at 9:45 I chose to go. I cried out to God of how I've been a bad child. I know the God I serve isn't one to address me in a condemed voice but I really felt so. At the end of the Sunday services, I was redeemed. My soul felt uplifted, my cup was filled, my energy was restored and to top everything I acknowledged that I am a child of the most high, worthy to be in His presence and called to be free. I am a free soul loves!
The last time I called dad, he asked how the Qwani event was. I bubbly answered how it was amazing and I was requested to perform. He quickly asked "uliperform gani?" To answer him I said, "The boy in civil class. Sijaandika ingine."
Weeuh lemme tell you guys, he straight up said " hio imeisha fashion sasa." He asked how he was and who is he because he needed to know. I ofcourse didn't tell him because the last time I told him about my crush, he has constantly asked how he has been doing. I don't know because we aren't always in touch and when I answer how I don't know, he'll ask me to atleast call me and ask how he's doing.
Nimeclown na kufumble ya kutosha wadau.
The last time I had an anxiety attack, I lost myself. I went through hell of a lifetime for weeks because of something that had transpired in less than only 2 hours. The last time this happened, a friend confronted me and said " imagine cool off. Don't pesture yourself concerning things yet to come in the future." The words hit home. Live in the present darlings. Tomorrow may be better than how you have imagined it to be. Don't let your anxiety put you in a hole you may never come out. Metaphorically speaking, I did receive myself back.
The last time I was in the hospital on the ward side, I looked at the almost lifeless being there. Hospitals make me feel that once people go there they don't ever come back. I looked at my four year old brother and headed out to cry. His words addressing our mum were "mummy mbona unakaa umekasirika, usijali nikona nguvu nitakua sawa." Those words from a four year old who had been bed ridden and had strings of life support made us weak. Thank the heavens he finally came home. Safe and bouncy like before. Again we did receive him back.
The last time I showered, I looked at my body. With curves defined, a drum for a belly (a part that I love juu sasa nyinyi wa flat tummy mkiosha tumbo mnaskianga ni kama mgongo ama?) Every time you shower, take your time and admire God's creation.
The last time I went home, I carried my sorrows and threw them outside the gate. On my way to school I saw them there and picked it up. I'll burn them somewhere.
The last time I thought of grief,I understood how untimely it can be. How it pierces us and how at times you think your loved ones would come back to you. You see them sometimes and with time you realize that you can't really see them in this physical realm. In a world that you thought you wouldn't survive without them, you apparently do. It dawns on you that life continues but it may never be the same.
Hello lovely readers,
on today's episode, i poured out my last times. Hope you enjoyed this particular entry and that somehow you relate.
My name is Caroline Bett and i express myself best through writing as an art.
To connect more with the writer, reach out to her on instagram
_mutai.mutinda
or email on bettcaro92@gmail.com
tiktok on chemuisyourfave
share,like, comment and feel free to give feedback
Amazing piece!