When I was a child, I spoke like a child. I do recall those Sundays that I would have the attention of my pastor, J.B Masinde, in deliverance church Umoja. I would walk to the altar and say “Na-itwa Caroline Jemutaiiii na nita-waombea.”I would then go ahead and say the Grace and leave the altar proudly.
As a teenager, I behaved as one. I probably ripped my personality too many times and in the process, the confidence left me. I was out trying to be comfortable in a world that I found myself in.
I liked things. Loved other things more. Believed in stuff. I believed in astrology partly and tried to fit in with everything that Virgos are ‘bound to love.’ On my nineteenth birthday, I quietly wished I would be a better daughter.
Writing this here, today and turning 20, I think of ways I’ve been better at 19.
I loved myself better than I did at 18.
I appreciated people more than I did at 16.
I let go of the absurd theory I had, one about “this is how I am and I can’t do anything about it.” I realized that as humans we have the ability to change and be who/what we want to be.
So far I can proudly say I’ve been able to stand up for myself one too many times and that’s better, that’s progress.
We all have reasons we’ve forgotten to breath. Mine particularly has been the fear of turning 20. Fear of growing old. I fear that I’m no longer a teenager and those years have been wasted. I used to see people in their twenties as old and their faces looked old and now, I fear if young kids look at me they will see exactly that.
Dedicating 20 to God and letting Him doing things His way is a choice I’m taking. I guess everyone has that ‘kafear’ of getting old. I’d tell my dad, “Daddy ukona nywele za white,”and the next day and he would shave his head clean. Ha!! An illusion to stay young.
Life is too short to live an uptight life with boring days, toxic people, carrying around grudges, being effing petty and tolerating things you swore not to tolerate.
I want my 20 to be full of bliss, being proud of what I’ve achieved (I guess the only thing I’ve mastered is doing my eyeshadow right lol!) being grateful for everything I’ve got, learning to be content, treating people with kindness, being a better leader in my capacity and so much things that life has to offer.
Years come and pass and I see my mum the same. I’ll pull out old pictures only to realize we are getting old mamaa. To see change I have to compare. I guess I’ll need to compare my twenties to my teen years and see how life truly is. I appreciate her everyday and seeing beautiful, intelligent, hardworking and caring woman like her exist raises the bar for me.
Do y’all see those videos on youtube that’s titled “things you should know by 20,” ‘I wish I knew this before 20’ “you are lucky if you see this in your 20’s”and get so pissed!! Same loves! Same!
They try so hard to tell about finances, lifestyle blablabla. I guess people should live on their own term there’s no manual for this.
After my form four exams, I told my dad I would buy a car at 20. Look at me now!! My accounts can’t even afford buy me a decent dinner dress lol! Sad reality but hey……………….this is me trying to get a beautiful meaning in what has been conceived as úgly.’ There’s a time for everyone.
Here’s to 20. Here’s to me being 20 years young. How old are you Carol? I’m 20 years young what about you?
Feliz Cumpleanos!!
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Hello lovely readers
this is a special appreciation to everyone who has supported this blog one way or another
We tried in 2022
We've done better than in 2021
Out for great things in 2023
this is my last entry this year
I love you all
Merry Christmas and a happy new year loves!
In the meantime my netflix suggestion
Trinkets (I'm probably the last one on the planet to watch this)
first kill
the girl in the mirror
for my readers;
If you tell by Greg Olsen (its a memoir)
off to celebrate my 20. Adios.