FINDING YOU

She had had the most boring Monday ever yet none of her friends seemed to notice. There was just something about her. She always put a smile on her face, hugged people, went for what she wanted, and above all stood for what she believed in and no one ever saw her gloomy. When sad she would still wear the mask of her smile and the glow wouldn't reach her eyes.

She is me.

As I walked down the stairs from the drawing-room in the university of Nairobi, I was mad. Not particularly mad at anybody but about the reality I lived in or rather the reality I had created for myself. Deep down I wanted to be mean and rude to someone at the moment. Do I even know how to be mean? Such a girl with a golden heart? No, I couldn't.

Realization hit me hard as I thought of truths that may lay off friends. Truths have a way of painting you naked. Whoever said truths can set you free was a liar. There are small lies that are cunning such as lying to a lecturer that you were stuck in traffic yet you snoozed your alarm ten times in the morning. But other truths are the kinds that will torture you for eternity. They will rip off your dignity.

I again wondered why I would think of lies at my age. Perhaps I was facing a midlife crisis and fighting my teenage hood. You see the kind of lies I've told can't be written in such a respectable blog like mine. lol. So am sorry am leaving you in suspense.

Still walking and being grumpy for no particular reason, I was in the process of finding myself. The me I wanted to become. The part of me that I wanted to lay off. Being a spiritually strong person I needed to lay off the things that pushed me to the limits. My mind was made up. The next time you see Bett maybe she wouldn't be the same person you knew off.

About finding me reminds me of a heated discussion I found myself in. I once posted a status and added (i will have eight kids) on the bottom of the meme. Right now if you ask me this question am not sure what to answer. Money is a daily necessity. The economy has been dropping since covid came. At this rate, I would say the question that would dominate my life is where will I get the money. How in the world did I even want eight kids. My argument was this, just a hypothetical situation, I love kids, so I would adopt one kid from each continent except for Africa because I will have one biological child. And then we would live happily ever. Being there for each other to stop Asian hate, saying black lives matter, and not giving the whites an upper hand in defining us. it would be a middle ground where we are all equal in the house. That's what I wanted back then but now am not sure. I want just two but my mum will say what if something happens to them in the future. She will retell the story of her mum's (my grandmother) friend who lives in Hardy but her marital place is in makueni. Hardy is a place near Karen.

She would tell me about how the woman is a widow and she had just two kids, a boy, and a girl, and was happy. When they grew up the boy moved to Nairobi and became a thief. He is now in Kamiti maximum prison serving a life sentence. The mum doesn't remember the last time she saw him. The girl on the other hand got married to a prestigious family. But shit happened. After two years of marriage, she found out that her blood cousin was cheating with her husband. She was mad. Furious. Frustrated. She resorted to violence. They fought. She killed the cousin and then committed suicide. This is a true story by the way. The widow is still in hardy making ends meet and owns a "kibanda" selling groceries. I pity her.

My mum will tell me to have four kids maybe haha.

So the process of finding you will be a tough one. You will no longer know what to hold onto or let go. Sometimes you may hold on to the things that keep you chained because how will you differentiate life meanderings from amid white noise. It's hard to fathom but the time will come. Maybe it will come as a vision or just some random thinking. Or some song you found on Spotify and it then moves you. Find YOU. if it's writing write until you like feel writing is a curse!!