ALMOST LOST AT WAR

It wasn’t cancer. She was scared it was cancer. I don’t know your perception of cancer but for her, that was the end, probably the beginning of a midlife crisis. The beginning of doctors may be having an upper hand in saying how long you would live on this planet. The beginning of being pitied. The beginning of everything ugly. At least as readers by now, we know it wasn’t cancer. A relief. This is the story:

Her hair started falling off. At that time it was alarming but now she perceives it was her braids that had overstayed on her head because what makes hair fall off? its not as if she was undergoing chemotherapy right? Then she decided she would shave her hair. Only God knows how much she loved her hair but since she had been thinking of shaving too she just let go.

December 2021 was here with us. After shaving, she started having pain in her right breast. Mind you the previous month was a cancer awareness month. She would skip all those boring WhatsApp status about ooh cancer, ooh check your breasts go for screenings……it wasn’t her portion. She was too young to worry about those things. I mean why would a 19-year-old have cancer? There were other interesting memes on WhatsApp. The pain was more alarming. What was happening to her body? 11th December on a Saturday she left the hostels and headed home to show her mum. Mothers have this instinct. Her mum then took her to the hospital the next day. A small hospital in Kitengela. The doctor examined her and she was referred to go for an ultrasound. The guy did the ultrasound and was like “Carol do you know fibro……..”of course she didn’t know what that was. A name that she couldn’t grasp at the moment. The doctor called her in a bit later. A report was written on how she had fibroadenoma. A small one 0.9cm by 0.3cm. then she was told fibroadenoma has no cure. It had to be removed through surgery. The mere mention of surgery sent chills down her spine. She numbed. That was heavy mahn. It was too much for her to handle. She wanted to cry. She needed to cry. She is one of those girls who believe crying is a sign of weakness, every time she wants to cry she hides somewhere. She would never let anyone see her tears. She just couldn’t cry in front of the doctor.

Ati “Carol, we will have to take you to the theatre, we will remove the fibroadenoma and take it to the lab to ascertain whether it is an abnormal cell or nothing to worry about.” The whole time she was there nodding her head. Not sure if she was hearing the correct thing. The doctor prescribed some drugs to ease the pain. She stepped out confused. Being told to book for surgery the next weekend 18th December. She headed to the reception to make the appointment. Deep down her mind was far away. She just couldn’t go through that. How will she make out with her guy in future with that ugly scar there? Worrying about petty stuff.

She headed home and called her dad. She has the best dad anyone could ask for. He was so worried but completely against the idea that his babygirl would go through a traumatizing experience. He said “usijali tutakemea tu.” The faith of that man is the kind that would move mountains! A man who believes that God can make a way where it seems there’s no way. A preacher. A man who had found purpose. To fulfil the will of God, not conforming to the patterns of this world. Wholeheartedly serving the most high.He wasn’t convinced about the deductions made in the hospital.

The next Monday she went back to the hostels. She was relieved. she was bothered about everyone at home worrying about her. She had to stay away from that tense atmosphere. She felt okay, normal. Like she would do her own normal stuff. At night she would sometimes cry. No one would see her tears. She had nightmares and hallucinations. On a certain day, she checked the side effects of the medicine because maybe the hallucination was because of the meds. But no. it wasn’t. I suppose her soul was troubled. She wanted to read dark poetry or cry her soul out. She simply didn’t have the energy to pray but being a believer too she knew the HolySpirit intercedes for believers. On other days she would bring out her small prayer book and read it instead. It gave her peace in a lifetime of war.

She didn’t go for surgery on the appointed day because she didn’t want to. Surgery wasn’t something to deal with urgently. It needed someone to be counselled. With time she got worse. She wasn’t as active in school. Her social skills dropped. Her friends would ask aah Bett what’s up nowadays and her response was simple. “izi CATS weeuh. Maisha ni ngumu” Any student would buy that. I mean it was a tough week for every student as they struggled to “save” the semester. Being the peculiar person that she was, she would still wear that smile on her face and pretend everything is okay. She then called home when she got much worse. She was picked up and taken to Karen hospital.

The first doctor they consulted gave her some medicines and she was referred to the head of surgeon. The surgeon clinic in Karen is open only on Mondays and Thursdays so she had to go home and come back on a later date. Life became hectic. She would dread to see the following day as she didn’t know what it held for her. Her friends would check up on her often.Her life was just based on faith that tomorrow would be better. She realized how life in the physical realm wasn’t all about money. Some problems wouldn’t be solved by money. She wouldn’t buy herself good health. She wouldn’t fail to ask herself why her and why not naniii and naniii.

She spent time on google to know more about fibroadenoma. Fibroadenomas are painless, breast lumps that occur in females between the reproductive ages and are noncancerous. But why was her “fibroadenoma” painful? The day came to see the surgeon. her best friend called because he thought she would go through surgery. She was happy because most of her friends were so concerned. The surgeon was the most friendly doctor she has ever come across. He wanted to see the report from the other hospital. He was petrified to say the least. According to him, the ultrasound pictures did not match the analysis. He didn’t think it was fibroadenoma. He saw masses with liquid inside. Fibroadenoma doesn’t have a liquid it’s just a mass. She then did another ultrasound in Karen for both breasts. A detailed report was produced.

Her life was being in and out of hospital. Her doctor(the surgeon) gave her his number just incase she would feel worse at home. The medicines seemed to help. At home she had to be careful. She couldn’t do heavy work because her right side was just weak. Making ugali was something she couldn’t do. Or even her own laundry. On other days she would talk to her bible study confidant. He would talk her out of her weird thoughts.She would gain hope, courage and strength from there. Her friend would tell her that whatever it is we believe that it will be uprooted with its roots. She got better and they thanked God for every little progress made.

She is now okay doing her exams that earlier on she thought she won’t manage to do and was to request for specials. She is me. Carol Bett. Under medications and still being monitored till further notice. Special thanks to all my family members who assisted in one way or another and to all my friends who knew what I was going through and didn’t treat me lesser of a person.

To anyone out there going through shitty situations don’t give up. The best you can do to yourself is holding on no matter what. Don’t fret. Love yourself. Take time to meditate. It helps. Talk to your friends. Don’t push people away. Be strong and don’t be a cry baby.

PS: I didn’t know whether to publish this or not because I didn’t want anyone to see me any different. Am okay now. Just a normal human. Am not sick. Feel free to encourage, comment, share ………sorry I haven’t posted in a while.